Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in the quickly emptying vault where Pat McAfee keeps the cash he didn't think he'd have to hand over to so many "College GameDay" guest kickers, we are all about the drama that comes with weird timing.
Like deciding to take your dog on a walk just as it starts raining. Or going on ESPN Radio and declaring with great conviction that NC State and Kansas will make the College Football Playoff. Or asking your girlfriend to marry you earlier than you had planned because you were terrified that if you waited any longer you were going to lose the ring and in your panic didn't even look at the calendar and thus ended up proposing on April Fools' Day.
And just so we're clear, those aren't hypothetical. I did all that.
And there is a day and night like Tuesday of this week. When Kent State and Akron, legit Bottom 10 title contenders, one having started the season ranked top/bottom No. 1 (Akron) and the other having kept that spot on lock nearly all fall (Kent State), decided they should play out the latest chapter of their century-old rivalry on a Tuesday night, hours after this sportswriter typically would have filed these very rankings.
Well, much like a wagon that is missing one of its wheels so that it can used for a trophy, me writing this late at night is going to be a little wobbly. Because the only ones here who might offer help in steadying my legs are my 12-pound dog and Captain Morgan. Where's my wife, you ask? Oh, she used that April Fools' Engagement Clause a long time ago.
With apologies to Bob Dylan, Darius Rucker, Captain Jack Sparrow and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 12 Bottom 10 rankings.
1. State of Kent (0-11)
And ... in that very Tuesday night game, the Golden(plated) Flashes lost 38-17 at home to their biggest rival, which is located only 13 miles away. But it's not just that. The loss means that Kent is still on track, with only one game remaining at Buffalo, to become the first FBS team to go winless in a non-COVID season since 2019. Who was the team that did that in 2019? Akron. And that, kids, is how you run over someone with one wagon wheel.
2. Southern Missed (1-9)
In Week 11, the Molden Eagles lost to Marshall 37-3. In Week 12, they lost to Texas State 58-3. I think that means in Week 13, they could lose to South Alabama 79-3. Then again, I'm not great at math. Kind of like Brett Favre's accountant.
3. Kennesaw Landis Mountain State (1-9)
The weekend after head coach Brian Bohannon was fired, but the school said he wasn't fired but instead stepped down, but Bohannon responded publicly that no, he had definitely been fired because he definitely would never step down, the coach who wasn't fired but stepped down then stepped up and showed up for the Owls' Week 12 march into the stadium, secretly posting up in the crowd and then openly dabbing up his former team. They lost to Sam Houston We Have a Problem State in overtime. Or, as Kennesaw administrators said in a statement, they stepped down in overtime.
4. UMess (2-8)
Speaking of overtime, after leading most of its Week 12 game, a big chunk by double digits, and then twice regaining the lead it'd lost, Massachusetts found itself going both down to and down in Flames in OT after a missed PAT kick, and then the school fired its head coach, Don Brown. It lends a new addendum to the Minutemen's battle cry since 1776, "Give me Liberty and give me Sudden Death."
5. Lewuhvulle (6-4)
The Coveted Fifth Spot typically goes to a great team that had a bad weekend. The Hardinals are a kinda good team who had such a bad weekend they broke the space-time continuum. The same squad that pushed Clemson around -- and into this very spot -- in Week 11 turned around and lost to Bottom 10 Waiting Lister Standfird. They did so after having the ball in a 35-35 game, first-and-10 with a timeout in their pocket and having just moved into Stanford territory with 20 seconds remaining. They spiked the ball on first down to stop the clock. They threw it out of bounds on second down, which stopped the clock again. Short incompletion on third down, another stoppage. A long incompletion on fourth down, another clock stopper, so Stanford took over at its 45 with five seconds remaining. Short pass ... one second remaining ... BUT a late hit personal foul. 15 yards. Stanford lined up for a ridiculously long 57-yard field goal attempt ... BUT Louisville jumped offsides. Now a not-as-long 52-yard attempt ... which the Cardinal nailed to defeat the Cardinals. Proving once again there's still nothing better than a good old-fashioned, traditional ACC rivalry.
6. Flori-duh State (1-9)
After a weekend off, the Semi-No's will host Charleston Southern. The FCS Buccaneers are 1-10. Prior to the game, both teams and their coaches will meet at midfield so that Chief Osceola can use his flaming spear to burn all evidence that the 2024 season ever happened.
7. Pur-don't (1-9)
The Buttermakers are ranked 128th in the nation in points for and 131st in the nation in points against. I sent this information to Purdue's legendary engineering school and they responded that in engineering terms this is known as "the most detrimental possible outcome of a system or design, considering all potential variables and environmental factors at their most extreme limits." And they sent a link to Brett Favre's accountant's office.
8. Whew Mexico State (2-8)
The Other Aggies went to College Station to play the OG Aggies. Sources tell Bottom 10 JortsCenter that they had a lengthy discussion about the Other Other Aggies, Utaw State, who won at Huh-Why-Yuh to move out of the Bottom 10. Then they agreed that no matter how bad life might be for the aggregate of Aggies, it's nothing compared to the Parliament of Owls, who completed a clean four-Owl school sweep of coach firings when Temple of Doom made a change ... after they'd just won.
9. UTEPid (2-8)
The Minors had a weekend off to relish in their Week 11 win over one of those Owls in Kennesaw State. This week they will practice a variation of that word -- as in "Ow!" -- as they prepare for the pain of visiting Rocky Top to face a Tennessee team that is still seething over a loss to Georgia that was itself so painful that Josh Heupel almost showed some postgame news conference personality. Almost.
10. Charlotte 3-and-7ers (3-7)
My hometown team isn't called the Owls, but it fired head coach and folk hero Biff Poggi anyway. Then again, as was pointed out by my multitude of friends who are Charlotte alums, not to mention my friends at the Sickos Committee, way back in the 1950s, Charlotte College, which leaned heavily into night classes, featured an owl as its pre-sports mascot. Or, as Ricky Bobby's father-in-law tried to warn us, "Remember, the field mouse is fast, but the owl sees at night." Kinda creepy, ain't it?
Waiting list: Miss Sus Hippie State, Georgia State Not Southern, FA(not I)U, Akronmonious, WhyOMGing?, You A Bee?, Wagon Wheel games on a Tuesday night.
