Can these people convince Brett to quit?
As you undoubtedly have heard, Brett Favre is considering a return to the NFL. In fact, he reportedly is scheduled to meet in his hometown of Hattiesburg, Miss., with Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress at any moment.
Here is an exclusive transcript of that meeting in real time.
(Scene: Favre and Childress pull up to a restaurant. The parking lot is nearly full. "Don't normally see so many cars here," Favre says. Childress does not respond. The two men enter the restaurant. Childress nods to the manager. "I reserved a private room for us in the back," Childress says to Favre. The quarterback opens the door to the room and walks in. He sees dozens of family and friends and former teammates sitting inside.)
Favre: "Coach Holmgren? Willie Mays? Barbra Streisand? What are all of you doing here in Hattiesburg?"
Mike Holmgren: "We're here for you, Brett."
Favre: "To celebrate my return with the Vikings? I knew people still believe …"
Holmgren: "No, Brett. No. This is an intervention. We are here to get you to stop. We -- people who care about you -- are here to tell you that you still will be liked, still can be liked, if you just step away from the game. Please. Please just let it go."
(Favre turns to leave, but Childress slips out the door first, locking it behind him.)
Holmgren: "There's nowhere to go, Brett. You have to stay. You can't go to Minnesota. You have to stay here."
Favre: "But what do you know, Coach? You went to Seattle after becoming a legend in Green Bay. Telling me I can't keep playing -- you're a hypocrite."
Holmgren: "Oh, Brett. How can you not see the difference, you simple man? I'm a coach, not a player. And I can give you advice, as someone who stayed around too long. My team was 4-12 this past season in Seattle, Brett. 4-12. We had fluorescent green hats, Brett. Fluorescent green hats! I don't want that for you."
Mays: "Let me say something. Brett, as a fellow sports legend who's been there, don't do this. It will hurt your legacy. I wish people didn't have the memory of me throwing interceptions for the Jets."
Holmgren: "You mean dropping fly balls for the Mets?"
Mays: "What did I say?"
Holmgren: "Throwing interceptions for the Jets."
Mays: "Oh. Yeah. I misspoke. I never threw interceptions for the Jets. Brett did, though."
Eric Mangini: "Twenty-two of them, actually, as a point of fact. Seven in the last three games. Just throwing that out there."
Holmgren: "Not necessary, Eric. MJ, you're someone who has been down this road, had a disappointing comeback. What do you have to say to Brett?"
Michael Jordan: "What the ^%#@ do you mean, 'disappointing comeback'? I could still play, fat man. I'm just passing through town 'cause there are casinos a few miles from here on the coast."
Holmgren: "Not helpful. John, what do you have to say?"
John Madden: "You have to realize that your decisions affect other people, Brett Favre. With these comebacks every spring, you're taking a roster spot away from someone else. You're turning your family's life upside-down. Most of all, you're ruining everything for me. If you come back, I have to come back. This is bigger than you, Brett."
Holmgren: "OK, great. Let's keep the ball rolling."
Sterling Sharpe: "There are options outside of football, buddy. You could do TV. Think of all those cameras."
Don Majkowski: "If I can step away with dignity, you can too, Brett. For I … was The Majik Man!"
(Several people whisper: "Who is that guy?")
Gilbert Brown: "Just take your time with this decision, No. 4. Don't rush it and do something you'll regret. Also, they haven't brought in the main course yet, so we're in no hurry. Hey! Manager! CAN YOU HEAR ME? We're starving in here."
Holmgren: "Think about your health, Brett. Your arm is already injured. You're not a young man. If you keep coming back, something bad could happen. [Holmgren gestures to several famous boxers in the corner.] Hey, guys! Wake up!"
Guy from the Wrangler commercial: "We don't want you to play in the NFL, Brett. If you need to play football, just throw on a pair of jeans and come out to the overgrown field in the middle of nowhere with us to throw it around. What more could you need than two-hand touch in 18-inch grass while wearing five-star, premium-quality denim?"
Labrador retriever from Wrangler commercial: "Woof! Woof!"
Lawn mower: "Vrooooooom. Rrrrr. Rrrrr. ROOOOOOOOAAAARRRRR."
Favre: "You know, you all make some sense. Especially you, lawn mower. Maybe I should just call it a career. And for real this time."
Holmgren: "Yes. Yes, Brett. Outstanding. Do you want to make it official? I can call the media in here right now."
Favre: "Media? There's media here?"
Holmgren: "Of course."
Favre: "Awesome. I have to milk this. Let me get the fake tears going and run through a few everyman lines, and then you can send them in."
Holmgren: "You're not sincere about this retiring-for-good decision, are you?"
Favre: "No questions now, Coach. My audience awaits. How does this sound? 'Hey, y'all. I reckon I'm mighty appreciative of y'all comin' on down here to Mississippi from yer big cities to see little old me. Just got off my tractor, upon which I do my decidin', and I have an announcement.' Do you think that's too much, Coach?"
Jordan: "Does anybody know whether these places down here have blackjack? I didn't come all the way down to Mississippi for no #%&!*$ slots."
Holmgren: "Umm … Brett … I have some bad news. All the media just left to go cover Manny Ramirez. He was just suspended for failing a drug test."
Favre: "Nooooooooooooo! When is his suspension over?"
Holmgren: "They say July 3rd."
Favre: "Perfect, I will re-emerge and have the media spotlight all to myself on July 4th -- a fitting day for an American hero."
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.
