We are facing a grave danger, America. Athletes are recording "music" again. Ron Artest recently penned a Michael Jackson tribute song. And several Dallas Cowboys linemen have formed a metal band.
Where do these latest efforts rank among some of the worst athlete/musician lyrics of all time?
You be the judge. But I say they're all tied. For last.
(And apologies for the large Shaquille O'Neal section. Unfortunately, he put out four albums not counting his "Best Of" CD.)
Ron Artest -- "I Cry For Mike / MJ Tribute"
Yeah yo, yeah yo s-s-stop everybody
listen to the heartbeat of michael still livin' in my body
and it's livin' in you
What would you do if it wasn't for my dude,
and your dude, he's our dude, he's a real type dude
the most original most official
he inspired guys like Jamie Foxx and Usher too
since they keepin' you alive im'a moonwalk too
to the moon over the earth and sand dunes too
play 'Pretty Young Thing' when I'm chilling with my boo
in the club, and even though I'm always strapped
I'm puttin' down my mack, for mike jack
he so wavy
This is definitely how Ron Artest should be introduced at Lakers games next season: "And at small forward from St. John's 6-foot-7 he's your dude he's our dude he's a real type dude and he so wavy Ron Artest!"
Free Reign (a metal band composed of Dallas Cowboys linemen) -- "All in Vain"
A meltdown of humanity
Watching our world die
A stream of brutality
It flows from hatred
Prove to me
We're on a road
Prove to me
Are we all in vain?
The treacherous road we have chosen
This so-called abolishment
Can we escape self-destruction?
God help us
Prove to me
We're on a road
Prove to me
Are we all in vain?
Wow. Some people have really been scarred by the repeated late-season collapses in Dallas. Can't blame them really.
Shaquille O'Neal -- "Don't Wanna Be Alone"
Enrico dope like prescriptions from pharmacies
injecting through speakers with no limit slash no mercy
the ill beat seeker
I mystify minds like I'm a preacher
when I meet ya start convulsing like a seizure
you best believe I got more tricks up my shirt sleeve
expeditiously I get loose like hair weave
which MC out there wanna come test me
put footprints in your chest like Kareem did me
I run rhymes like drunk drivers on Stop signs
I change my name to Deion cause I'm motha freaking prime time
So let's see what Shaq rhymed here: "Pharmacies" and "mercy." "Seeker", "preacher" and "seizure." "Sleeve" and "weave." "Me" and "me." And "signs" and "time." I'll give him "sleeve and "weave." And, well, "me" does rhyme with "me." But the rest of those go together about as well as Shaq and Steve Nash.
Shaquille O'Neal -- "What's Up Doc? (Can We Rock)"
Forget Tony Danza, I'm the boss
When it comes to money, I'm like Dick Butkus
Now who's the first pick? Me, word is born and
Not a Christian Laettner, not Alonzo Mourning
That's OK, not being bragadocious
Supercalifragelistic, Shaq is alidocious
Another bit of brilliant rhyming here by Shaq. Are you stuck coming up with a couple of lines for a song of your own? Just follow Shaq's lead. For the purposes of this example, let's say your name is Kevin. So you'd go with: "That's OK, not being bragadocious / Supercalifragelistic, Kevin is alidocious." There you go! You're a rapper now!
Shaquille O'Neal -- "(I Know I Got) Skillz"
I got a hand that'll rock ya cradle,
cream you like cheese, spread you on my bagel,
my Ford Explorer boomin' with the clumped-up funk,
all you jealous punks can't stop my dunks,
they're brand new like Heavy,
built like Chevy, Impala,
but Shaq's a smooth balla,
(yeah, but what about rhymin?)
I can hold my own,
knick-knack Shaq-attack, give a dog a bone
There are generally not enough bagel references in the rap genre, so I'll give Shaq that. And while I fear the release of another Shaq album, the American auto industry sure could use his voice of advocacy again.
Shaquille O'Neal -- "Where Ya At?"
I'm sure they'll say me brother please don't play me like a shrimp
dunk it on your head then I'll point like Shawn Kemp
don't need the drink crooked I juice to get loose
my favorite cartoon is Bullwinkle the Moose
I'm 'bout to sting you like rubbing alcohol
yes yes y'all call me Ed Jones cause I'm too tall
put the rhyme between my legs then I'll score
never mind a whore I wanna do a phat tour
come freak the style that the big Michelle display
you know the style that be my forte
"Never mind a whore I wanna do a phat tour." If Shakespeare rapped, this is how it would have sounded.
John Daly -- "All My Exes (Wear Rolexes)"
Yolanda she was kinda fond of
How I made her feel
And all my buddies used to ask me
If they were real
Now Nikki she was really tricky
She loved to squeal
And Debbie got a little heavy
But that ain't no big deal.
John, John when your buddies were asking if they were real, they weren't asking about Yolanda's breasts. They were asking about yours.
Guy Lafleur -- "Guy Lafleur Disco Song"
At 35 mph with two or three guys chasing me
I have about a quarter of second to look, analyze and react
So you should never predetermine what you're going to do
You've got to be able to think on the spot
Yes, this is the day the (disco) music died.
Jack McDowell -- "My Prey"
You see I was born this way
Born to stalk you down
But you could have hid away
Found a bush or stayed away
From my newly raised town
Jack McDowell's skills from best to worst: (1) pitcher, (2) urban planner, (3) lyricist.
Deion Sanders -- "Must Be The Money"
The first thing people say is
Prime, don't let money change you
Don't let money change you
I say hey, don't let money change you
Because personally, it's gonna change my wardrobe,
My phone number, my address
Hey, my snakeskin shoes gonna change into gators
Hey, my library cards gonna change into credit cards
You know what I'm sayin'?
So don't let money change you
What people should have said to "Prime" is: "Prime, don't let money change you. For example, don't think that because you are rich and famous, people want to hear you sing. They don't. Not even a little bit."
Kobe Bryant -- "K.O.B.E."
Uh, what I live for? Basketball, beats and broads
From Italy to the U.S., yes, it's raw
I'm a search for the one that make my wealth feel poor
Who can ignore the spotlight life of Grandma
Uh, I don't get it. Did Kobe originally want to get married to a grandmother? At the very least, Kobe can boast that "Who can ignore the spotlight of Grandma" may be the biggest non sequitur in rap history. How my non-sequitur taste?
Allen Iverson -- "Pay Per View"
The Answer do mad dirt
Won't hesitate to put in work
Verbal hair trigga
Whatchu up #####
Let's see your figgas
Is this all you got in your little bank account?
Entrepre ##### bounce
Come back with a much larger amount
And I still stop your bank and what you got in it
As soon as I win it I spend it
In the Benz that's tinted
This was clearly written during the economic bubble. What we need now is MORE "Entrepre ##### bounce," not less. I think. I'm not actually sure what "Entrepre ##### bounce" is.
Lastings Milledge with Manny D -- "Bend Ya Knees"
Collect my money and go
this ain't Monopoly
Dancing in the streets bad
Bob Barker reminds you to have your pet spayed or neutered
dancing in the streets hos
I'm the king of all bling
Came to lay down the evidence
L Millz not George Bush is the President
Yikes. Not good. In fact, it inspired me to come up with a few bad rap lines of my own: "When it comes to rapping / Lastings Milledge is not great / If rapping was baseball / he'd be a Met, Nat or Pirate."
Steve Fuller -- "Super Bowl Shuffle"
They say Jimbo is our man.
If Jimmy can't do it, I sure can.
This is Steve, and it's no wonder
I run like lightnin', pass like thunder.
So bring on Atlanta, bring on Dallas,
This is for Mike and Papa Bear Halas.
I'm not here to feather his ruffle,
I just came here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle.
Feather his ruffle? I wonder what the rapper Allen Iverson would think of Steve Fuller. No matter. I know these people think he's great.
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.