CCTV footage of Champions Trophy hosting negotiations recovered from the bins of a five-star hotel in Dubai
PCB delegate: "As we've said before, Pakistan is looking forward to hosting the 2025 Champions Trophy. It's almost 100 days to the event - not that we've been able to release the fixtures, because, umm, well, you know why. But everything is ready to go, assuming our stadium renovations in Lahore and Karachi are on track, haha!"
ICC delegate: "Ah, yes, about the planned schedule…"
BCCI delegate: (nudges ICC delegate in ribs) "Haven't you told him yet?"
ICC delegate: "I was just getting around to it…"
BCCI delegate: "Team India won't be coming to Pakistan."
ICC delegate: "Er, yes. What he said. Apparently their government won't let them. We were thinking that maybe we could use the hybrid model that worked so well for the Asia Cup last year?"
PCB delegate: "No, that is unacceptable to us. As a matter of national prestige, we must insist that the entire tournament is held in Pakistan. Surely, as the international governing body you can exert some influence here?"
ICC delegate: (Laughs nervously)
BCCI delegate: "We're not coming."
PCB delegate: "This is outrageous. We have been planning this event for years. If India won't travel to Pakistan, like we went to India for the 50-over World Cup - and, by the way, the biryani in Hyderabad was lovely - then perhaps they shouldn't be involved in the Champions Trophy at all."
Other delegates in the room: (Gasp)
ECB delegate: "Sorry, old fruit. That's a no can do. Got to protect those broadcast rights, dontchaknow."
PCB delegate: "The whole tournament must be staged in Pakistan. We won't negotiate!"
BCCI delegate: "Tell him we'll hold it in South Africa."
ICC delegate: "Umm, yes. Sorry. If you can't do the hybrid thingy, we might have to look at alternatives…"
BCCI delegate: "We're holding it in South Africa."
CSA delegate: (Muffled whooping)
PCB delegate: …
ICC delegate: "Okay, I think that concludes today's business to everyone's satisfaction."
PCB delegate: "Are you serious? (gestures to the room) How can you all let yourselves be pushed around like this?"
Other delegates: (Silence)
ICC delegate: "Is there anything else?"
BCCI delegate: "Yeah. We want his underpants as well."
PCB delegate: "WHAT??"
ICC delegate: "Give him your underpants."
PCB delegate: "WHAT!!"
ECB delegate: "Come on, old chap. Don't make this any harder than it has to be. Just hand over your bloomers and you might still get a slice of the broadcaster dough…"
(Footage abruptly cuts out)
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Meanwhile, back to the actual cricket, where it's all threatening to go a bit off piste for India. Losing a single Test at home to New Zealand looks unfortunate, losing two in a row could be considered careless - but getting whitewashed 3-0 might bring about a freaking cataclysm, bro! And now the team is heading off for Australia with qualification for the WTC final on the line, except Rohit Sharma may or may not be there to do the captaincy things at the start (he wants to attend the birth of his child, just don't tell Sunny G), and the replacement openers can't buy a run, and Gautam Gambhir says he's not worried about how all the old-timers will fare despite being on the actual 2011-12 tour himself. Hold your loved ones tight. If India go belly-up down under, the fallout could be spectacular.
****
The recent news of Ian Botham having to be rescued from crocodile- and shark-infested waters while on a fishing trip in Australia fits firmly in the "Who writes your scripts?" category - although perhaps the real story was the aforementioned crocodiles and sharks being saved from a tangle with the famously feisty former England allrounder. Botham is 69 but still a lover of the great outdoors, which possibly explains his attendance record at the House of Lords. He was reportedly pulled out of the drink by Merv Hughes, and the Light Roller fervently hopes Hughes had the wherewithal to adapt a sledge famously aimed at Douglas Jardine on the 1932-33 Ashes tour: "Leave our crocs alone, Beefy - they're the only friends you've got out here." Either way, Botham should probably be thankful his celestial scriptwriters didn't put Ian Chappell on the boat.