Goals mandatory, defence optional. It's the simplest way to describe the Matildas' bonkers 6-5 win over Zambia in the Olympic women's football tournament on Sunday.
There was a Barbra Banda hat trick, braces for Racheal Kundananji and Steph Catley, an own goal, and a 90th-minute winner.
The women's football community loves chaos, and this game delivered exactly that. For neutrals it will be remembered as that fun, quirky scoreline that people recall when talking about crazy games. It'll become a piece of trivia or a clickbait-y TikTok where you'll never believe what happened after Zambia went up 5-2 against Australia at the 2024 Olympics.
The Matildas are a team that has built an identity rooted in a "never-say-die" attitude and a lore that proves they live that value. No obstacle is too big, no deficit too large, no opponent too fearsome that they can't -- with the right effort -- conjure up miracles, find goals, and snatch points. As the final whistle blew -- at 5 a.m. for those watching at home in eastern Australia -- there was bleary eyed disbelief. What had we just witnessed? Between the sighs of relief and the adrenaline still coursing throughout bodies, many will feel exhilarated postgame.
It was dramatic and theatrical. It'll be filed right next to the Matildas' penalty shootout triumph over France at the Women's World Cup last year in the 'I can't believe what I've just seen" folder.
Those who set their alarms for the early hours of the morning will be going to work or school tired but excited at what they witnessed; it's an undeniable fact that winning makes you fractionally less tired.
Much can and will be said about the character and the grit Tony Gustavsson's team to claw their way back from 5-2 down, to find the goals, score the penalty, create their own luck, and turn the ship around. But not much can actually be said about the football, because this wasn't a football match so much as a parody of one. A stage performance, caricatured out of its mind.
For most of the game it felt like the Stade de Nice would once again be the setting for the death another Matildas major tournament dream. Banda's opening goal in the first minute of the match felt like a tone setter -- in a positive way for the Copper Queens, and a negative for the Matildas.
Zambia were always going to find goals but no one in green-and-gold could have foreseen shipping five. When the Matildas would find parity, Zambia would simply produce another excellent finish or punish another Australian lapse or mistake. It was the complete opposite of what Aussie fans wanted to see after the defensive errors made against Germany.
Set pieces were highlighted as a liability after the opening game and it appeared that no lessons were learned with Banda's third goal and Kundananji's second both coming from poorly defended dead balls.
Across their opening two games of these Olympics, the Matildas have conceded eight goals. It's a bad look for a team who has made their medal ambitions clear. It reads even worse when you remember they conceded eight goals total across their entire World Cup campaign -- which stretched out to seven matches -- last year.
With a sample size of 180 minutes now ready for examination, the major conclusion to be drawn from the Matildas showing so far in the south of France is that something is off. Not just defensively but across the whole park. Is it a World Cup hangover? Exhaustion from another long season? An overdone training camp? Tactical changes that just aren't working? An Invasion of the Body Snatchers-type situation?
Whatever it is, this version of the Matildas lacked fluidity and cohesion. The move to a more familiar forward line of Emily van Egmond and Mary Fowler flanked by Caitlin Foord and Hayley Raso didn't have the desired effect. In fact, in the early going, Alanna Kennedy and Katrina Gorry -- from a header no less -- had some of the team's best chances. It was like an alternate universe.
The team looked its best once a triple change was made in the 57th minute. Of course, the injection of fresh legs after almost an hour playing in 30-degree heat and a tight turnaround from the last game would have had an impact, but the energy and tenacity of Michelle Heyman, Kaitlyn Torpey and Clare Wheeler was felt instantly and buoyed their teammates. They seemingly made the Matildas look more like the team that made it to the World Cup semifinals.
And that is why, despite all of the chaos, when Heyman received a through-ball from Catley in the 90th minute, a calm descended on the pitch. Heyman, ever the striker, would finish truly.
The winner from the Canberra United striker will ensure that the conversations in this brief interlude between games will centre on her use within the team. While it was conceded by Gustavsson that Heyman, 36, was not able to put in consecutive 90-minute shifts, her minutes have been less than what many expected. Her output on Sunday means that warrants questioning.
Heyman shouldn't be expected to be the single fix if she does move into the starting line-up, but her presence will surely give this Matildas team a little bit of structure and shape.
As for the defensive frailties, three days hardly feels like enough time for Gustavsson to address those. But they will linger in the minds of fans as the sugar rush of the win turns into queasiness. As Monday's highlights and replays and think-pieces are consumed, that spark of joy felt at the full-time whistle will likely contort into unease.
With a win and three points on the board, attention now turns to a rampant United States that put four past Germany in the group's other game. The Matildas will likely need a draw to ensure their progress to the knockouts against a USWNT that has been reborn under Emma Hayes -- a wounded giant out to make amends after tumbling out of the World Cup in last year's Round of 16.
But, based on the first two games of this tournament, even a draw against the United States feels distant for this version of the Matildas.